because
a) the battery was already low and
b) cuban went all papparazzi on specifically john memmer drinking a girly drink and me making double chin faces during present opening time.
hopefully julie took some okay pictures and will send me them otherwise these are the only ones making the cut:
the first one is of reeda and myself- i look terrible!
and the second is of bastian and thomas
-i am actually excited to get my wii fit in the mail so it can tell me i am fat.
i need the motivation.
-i am not convinced of the supposed intrinsic value of grief counseling/therapy.
so far, it has served only as a catalyst for panic attacks and downslopes.
it is starting to remind me of my first attempts at therapy in 2004 in which i would make an appointment...
then either not show up- or show up then leave before the counselor called me in to the session-
all out of fear of the anxiety that the session inevitably produce.
being forced to talk about things that upset me is not one of my favorite activites.
the doctor asked me to bring in pictures of brandon-
i am sure he has good intentions but part of me thinks it is strictly for his own curiosity....
pictures + talking about painful things up to and including death of persons...
i wonder how this is helping me. i am saying outloud the things i already have thought.
i like my doctor as a person but not as a person to dialogue with about metaphysical things, the finality of death,
or even sensitive matters involving the structure of my family and social support group.
i guess i thought the role of a therapist was not to say things like:
"brandon lives on through you" and "experiencing things in life that he didnt get to experience is a good way to honor him"
and stuff about "soulmates"
or should i expect that? what should i expect a therapist to say about grief?
when i mention things about feeling a bit abandoned- and bit angry at the circumstances and perhaps at god...
he doesnt really respond.
perhaps he thinks the verbalization is the therapy and his honest feedback is not necessary.
actually to my recollection the only REAL feedback i have gotten from him regarding the things i have told him about my life-
is that he thinks that michelle is "not a very good friend."
-of course in response i felt like i had to both defend my decision to keep our friendship as well as defend her as a person-
but it all felt so weird to have to make excuses in response to a therapist's opinion.
i could feel the judgement in his eyes. he doesnt know her. he knows the synopsis of her. but honestly it makes me think well if he's making a judgement off of the statements i have given him about my best friend-
i wonder what he thinks about me and my life as a whole based only on what i have said in session.
he only knows the surface. or what i feel like i SHOULD say.
im not sure if therapy with someone who only knows you by what you recall to them about yourself- i dont know if its really what i need.
i know i am not done grieving. but talking to someone who does not know me doesnt seem like its helping.
maybe i should join a grief support group or something?
either way, i am getting back on mood stabilizers on june 9th.
whether i continue grief therapy or not after that- remains to be seen.
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